i’ve been doing a morning walk through midtown. it is bearable in this weather, the early signs of spring. i’m a little obsessed with Starbucks mobile order. i love traversing down this long avenue and choosing a Starbucks along the way where i can pop in and out. even Times Square is bearable right now, perhaps before the sweaty crowds appear.

the walk is influenced by my inspiring vacation. trying to add some joy into my mornings, with an added exercise benefit.

today i was thinking about writing a memoir of sorts by reviewing songs that have touched my life. starting with youth til now. and really writing about the pitches, tones, melodies, that move my soul. there are various vibes that ring true. subtle. where the lyrics don’t always matter, maybe just the flavor of the words that help season the music, to create an overall sensation. i do still intend to write some music this year. play some music. music all around.

i’ll never forget her words, “travel is good for the soul.” i sometimes think about her, wondering if she ever thinks about me, remembering the good stuff and the fun things about life that we were always in synch about. or does she just remember the bad? i try to block out the bad. i have fond memories of our formative years. even though we squabbled in our twenties, we grew leaps and bounds together.

but my point was actually about travel. this weekend we made a 2-night jaunt upstate, and it was minor, but the change in setting was just stupendous. so absolutely refreshing. it was a nice hotel and very convenient, what with a red robin and a starbucks in walking distance. enough to do in town. beautiful drive. we visited a cute small town yesterday and had a nice brunch. everything was just right. almost – i guess everything except the ridiculous wait at IceHouse on Saturday. but i enjoyed the food and the view was lovely.

ok, it was tricky sleeping in a bed with a kicky, fussy, rolly baby. but i also kind of loved being so close to her again, like our newborn days.

listening to music while out and about. it’s special, and i forget about it. i’ve just charged up my ancient ipod nano and am enjoying gems from yesteryear. i like to put it on shuffle and keep hitting “next” until something comes on that i just can’t say no to. today it’s been

birthday – the sugarcubes
cloudless (remix) – cranes

don’t you love it when a 7-minute song just isn’t long enough for you

i have a fond memory from pdx, when my ipod was still new and thus the joy of walking while listening to music was new (i was never a big walkman/discman kinda gal). it was blizzarding and my bus got stuck right before crossing. so i walked across the Morrison bridge with Heaven or Las Vegas in my ears.

and all the things you tried to say…. you live up there

A birthday is just like any other day, but somehow, just like at new year’s, it feels like a fresh start. Especially those milestone birthdays. Clean slate. It’s inspiring.

it breaks my heart, this change, i’m holding onto strings of my time off. i’m getting away with this moment, this is a sort of heist, enjoying a cheddar biscuit and mocha with a view of nyc, and the strokes on the airwaves. is it lame that i like the strokes? they capture melancholia so well sometimes.

i’m not figuring this out as aggressively as i can. as i should be, where sanity and happiness are at stake.

it should truly be a combination of music and yoga. music, yoga and parenting. what a perfect trifecta. that’s where the magic lies. it’s weighed heavily in the parenting domain for four years, so i need to swing the pendulum back to the center. baby steps.

i’ve been reminscing on the footloose and fancy free days of my 20s. ain’t nothing like that. aimless as we were. it was fun and i’m so glad i enjoyed it that much. food, friends, travel. garden apartments and cross country moves. i’m grateful.

after one yoga class, i see i have so much work to do. i have little motivation to keep going. how could i ever teach yoga if i don’t feel the will to try harder, consistently? perhaps it is a matter of the type of yoga. something more meditative, restorative? maybe that is more my speed. i should push myself physically and get to the crow poses and headstands of the ideal world, but i shouldn’t fret. what i want to do is nurture others and help folks find peace and balance. pranayama, kundalini all promote that.

proud of the 3 lb weight loss. how could it be? i ate eggs benedict and red velvet cake yesterday. i’ll take it. hey. makes me happy. i am so sore but i feel good.

what i need to do is pull my head out of the weeds. i signed a petition, will donate some money, but want to know what i need to do in order to contribute to the cause in a stronger way.

stuff to work on. i care very much what others think of me. how i impact others. how others feel about every little thing. that’s all great but it’s too much. i need to be a little more selfish sometimes.

i have a hard time doing what i want to do when there is a lot of clutter in the way: in the form of dirty dishes, dirty laundry, etc. i experience a sense of peace when i have tackled all of that. a feeling of contentment. is that sad? shouldn’t i be more content when i am writing a song or baking a cake? but why judge. sure, if that is what makes me happy – then it’s all good. it’s only troublesome when i start comparing myself to others and start feeling like i am so, utterly, unaccomplished.

Some new ideas:

– Plan tasks according to the weather. If it is going to be sunny, do things that require optimism, inspiration, motivation.
– I am not very resourceful. I do pass the buck quite a bit. If I were to be more resourceful, I would probably be viewed as a stronger asset.
– Recognize when something is not working. For instance, the search is not working. Something is off. It could be luck and timing, or it could be that I need a completely different approach. Probably the latter.

Sometimes I think: technical writer, yoga instructor, blogger.

I studied Psychology and actually do find myself sometimes counseling people. It almost feels like a therapy session at times. Patients that I see on a regular basis.

Think outside the box. Hold on to those priorities dearly.

a few realizations:

well, not a new one. i am affected by the weather. it’s been gloomy lately, and so has my mood.

sometimes in the middle of my day i will have a moment of happiness and gratitude. even as i look to next week’s challenging parenting week. i feel grateful for these two beautiful children, for my parents being in their lives, for my husband, for my job, for the snippets of the city i catch along my commute. i am happily reminded that life is now. i love that. i just need to hold onto that feeling.

i have this innate belief that i will return to music and creativity in my 40s. i’d love to see that happen. it’s hard to squeeze everything in though, life is so busy.

things i want to do:
– eat healthily
– do yoga
– go running
– spend more time on grooming
– take kids for walks
– movie nights with j. at home
– cooking