i wasn’t as stressed about the solo duty last night or this morning. maybe j knew what he was doing by demonstrating his prowess when he took them both out to the city? and that is supposed to make everything else look like a piece of cake? e has been a little more well-behaved lately. not eating his chicken, and not always doing what we say. but it has been easier to get his coat on, to get him moving, to get him dressed, to get him to sleep, etc. i have enjoyed our bedtime rituals where we read about countries and he snuggles up to me sleepily. it’s like i’m getting to know my little boy all over again, even though i’ve been with him almost every day of his 4 years so far. he’s now a big brother, a student, a scholar of intenrational geography. the kid can recognize flags.

i think about options. start as a lower level PM at an agency, for agency experience, somewhere local. or remote. find some part-time help. something to take the edge off. i really need to exercise. watch my nutrition. i want to feel good, feel strong. i think i’ve been eating poorly, and consequently gaining weight, and my tightening clothes are causing my internal pains. can’t wait for the scar tenderness to fully dissipate too.

i want to craft a fabulous summer. make it our own. having the baby was a big goal of mine and now i want to do family stuff, appreciate the earth, appreciate our loved ones.

last night was oddly calm. i’m not quite sure why. maybe because J took care of our and the little man’s dinner? i thought it would be extra nuts since i had to walk home with the kiddies. but i managed to watch Girls, fold some laundry, load the dishwasher and clean the bottles, sign schoolwork, iron (?!), and crawl into bed by 9:30. like i said, odd. sometimes it feels like being 2 working parents of young kids is a ridiculous circus. like why does it have to be so nuts? can’t we live on a farm, do homeschooling, and just enjoy the earth? running this family also includes involving my parents, practically full time.

the grind is grueling. coming all this way to and fro everyday just feels…wasteful. even though it is how i feed my family. i still somehow feel as though i will find a better way.

sometimes it just feels like there isn’t enough time in the day. last night i found myself pondering sleep vs. changing bedsheets vs. washing my hair vs. ironing vs. laundry vs. bills etc etc ad finitum. maternity leave was pretty cool. it wasn’t a breeze, but it left me enough room to take care of lots of stuff. now i don’t even know what to wear. and the stuff i can wear just kinda sucks. and i want to buy new clothes, but first i need to lose weight. i guess i need to just buy some clothes now, even before the weight is lost. because who knows how long that will take?

eating poorly this week. the little man’s birthday weekend is mine somehow too, so i’ve been gnawing away at his ice cream cake, and just being generally lazy about fruits. never have time to make vegetables. thank goodness for Digg Inn. today i had kale with sweet potatoes, chicken and brown rice.

it is very hard to focus today. i went to a thrift store and scored with a madewell dress and an emma straub hardcover. in a weird way, i felt like i was reconnecting with myself. what happened to the thrifting gal from pdx? i miss that me. that me always felt like a me that was neglected for years, and rang so true. i miss that time. the nyc me was always beckoning, and now i’m back, but i want some more balance. i want to make music too. everything except run in this hamster wheel.

i’ve been doing a morning walk through midtown. it is bearable in this weather, the early signs of spring. i’m a little obsessed with Starbucks mobile order. i love traversing down this long avenue and choosing a Starbucks along the way where i can pop in and out. even Times Square is bearable right now, perhaps before the sweaty crowds appear.

the walk is influenced by my inspiring vacation. trying to add some joy into my mornings, with an added exercise benefit.

today i was thinking about writing a memoir of sorts by reviewing songs that have touched my life. starting with youth til now. and really writing about the pitches, tones, melodies, that move my soul. there are various vibes that ring true. subtle. where the lyrics don’t always matter, maybe just the flavor of the words that help season the music, to create an overall sensation. i do still intend to write some music this year. play some music. music all around.

i’ll never forget her words, “travel is good for the soul.” i sometimes think about her, wondering if she ever thinks about me, remembering the good stuff and the fun things about life that we were always in synch about. or does she just remember the bad? i try to block out the bad. i have fond memories of our formative years. even though we squabbled in our twenties, we grew leaps and bounds together.

but my point was actually about travel. this weekend we made a 2-night jaunt upstate, and it was minor, but the change in setting was just stupendous. so absolutely refreshing. it was a nice hotel and very convenient, what with a red robin and a starbucks in walking distance. enough to do in town. beautiful drive. we visited a cute small town yesterday and had a nice brunch. everything was just right. almost – i guess everything except the ridiculous wait at IceHouse on Saturday. but i enjoyed the food and the view was lovely.

ok, it was tricky sleeping in a bed with a kicky, fussy, rolly baby. but i also kind of loved being so close to her again, like our newborn days.

listening to music while out and about. it’s special, and i forget about it. i’ve just charged up my ancient ipod nano and am enjoying gems from yesteryear. i like to put it on shuffle and keep hitting “next” until something comes on that i just can’t say no to. today it’s been

birthday – the sugarcubes
cloudless (remix) – cranes

don’t you love it when a 7-minute song just isn’t long enough for you

i have a fond memory from pdx, when my ipod was still new and thus the joy of walking while listening to music was new (i was never a big walkman/discman kinda gal). it was blizzarding and my bus got stuck right before crossing. so i walked across the Morrison bridge with Heaven or Las Vegas in my ears.

and all the things you tried to say…. you live up there

A birthday is just like any other day, but somehow, just like at new year’s, it feels like a fresh start. Especially those milestone birthdays. Clean slate. It’s inspiring.

it breaks my heart, this change, i’m holding onto strings of my time off. i’m getting away with this moment, this is a sort of heist, enjoying a cheddar biscuit and mocha with a view of nyc, and the strokes on the airwaves. is it lame that i like the strokes? they capture melancholia so well sometimes.

i’m not figuring this out as aggressively as i can. as i should be, where sanity and happiness are at stake.

it should truly be a combination of music and yoga. music, yoga and parenting. what a perfect trifecta. that’s where the magic lies. it’s weighed heavily in the parenting domain for four years, so i need to swing the pendulum back to the center. baby steps.

i’ve been reminscing on the footloose and fancy free days of my 20s. ain’t nothing like that. aimless as we were. it was fun and i’m so glad i enjoyed it that much. food, friends, travel. garden apartments and cross country moves. i’m grateful.

after one yoga class, i see i have so much work to do. i have little motivation to keep going. how could i ever teach yoga if i don’t feel the will to try harder, consistently? perhaps it is a matter of the type of yoga. something more meditative, restorative? maybe that is more my speed. i should push myself physically and get to the crow poses and headstands of the ideal world, but i shouldn’t fret. what i want to do is nurture others and help folks find peace and balance. pranayama, kundalini all promote that.

proud of the 3 lb weight loss. how could it be? i ate eggs benedict and red velvet cake yesterday. i’ll take it. hey. makes me happy. i am so sore but i feel good.

what i need to do is pull my head out of the weeds. i signed a petition, will donate some money, but want to know what i need to do in order to contribute to the cause in a stronger way.

stuff to work on. i care very much what others think of me. how i impact others. how others feel about every little thing. that’s all great but it’s too much. i need to be a little more selfish sometimes.

i have a hard time doing what i want to do when there is a lot of clutter in the way: in the form of dirty dishes, dirty laundry, etc. i experience a sense of peace when i have tackled all of that. a feeling of contentment. is that sad? shouldn’t i be more content when i am writing a song or baking a cake? but why judge. sure, if that is what makes me happy – then it’s all good. it’s only troublesome when i start comparing myself to others and start feeling like i am so, utterly, unaccomplished.