here at this beautiful hotel, i am treating myself to my very own retreat, a baby moon of sorts, a chance to replenish and renew before the second chapter of motherhood bursts in. i’m experiencing again that sense of impatience. the third trimester isn’t fun, it’s burdensome, and you wind up wanting to get it over with. but, you know that when it is over you will be sleepless and topsy turvy, and you may not be settled for a good two years. so. enjoy the third trimester, with all its aches, pains, cramps, and discomfort.
unwieldy is the best word for it now. i feel so unwieldy. just kind of ridiculous. i dread the ligament stretch that i feel when changing sides in bed. why dread it though, right? just deal. i don’t know why. it just feels weird and unnatural, even though it’s been gradually happening to me for nearly 8 months now. this size and scale just feels huge and bizarre. walking feels weird at first, but i get used to it, i have the strength but the weight of my belly just feels kind of weird and almost wrong. i feel better when i remain active. i feel good after getting the blood flowing. it’s all inertia; the more i sit and lounge, the harder it is to move.
i feel fairly accomplished about the week. a productive weekend getting certified, meeting babies and seeing friends this week. getting little bits of housework done, i can’t really blame myself for not getting more done. i try. tomorrow i get a massage. i’m truly excited to see my boys on monday but also a bit sad that my meditation is nearly over. i fear that i won’t have a moment to myself for years to come. being an introvert, that solitude is something i cherish so much, and balancing it with the joy of familyhood and motherhood is tricky. because i want those things too. and it’s harder than it seems. my son is not an easily moldable protegee but a strong-willed, opinionated young man at the ripe old age of 3. for that i am grateful. but, it is hard.
at the same time i often feel utterly unaccomplished. the baby room is a sea of boxes. all i do is the busywork of putting recyclables in the bin, washing the same laundry over and over again. i want to see real change. i want to make something big and noticeable. i want to write music and write online and cook beautiful meals and be some genius mentor of a mom.
i can’t wait to exercise after i recover. i want to run a 5k.
i have to say, i’m really glad i chose scrum over product owner certification. i couldn’t give a rat’s ass about product requirements. i’m really all about facilitating, translating, ensuring communication is happening. it was a happy revelation to know that this is the right direction.