wanting to make music but uninspired by sounds. i pulled out the old headphones and played keyboards for a little while. it was nice. the acoustic guitar just wasn’t cutting it. i’ve come to this conclusion time and again: dreamy soundscapes will tease the music out of me.

looking forward

another blissful walk accompanied by music. i think i fare best when the temperature is in the 70s, slight breeze, high sun. i invested in some new jeans from jcrew and they feel great.

last night we enjoyed dinner with the neighbors. we never do; have never done in 3 years. it was about time. the little man was a little antsy because he ate so quickly, but i gave him my work phone and he went to town. the neighbors make a cute couple. they seem very happy together and just seem like such nice people.

tonight i am doing girly drinks on U’s rooftop. looking forward to it, although the two glasses of prosecco did me in and i don’t necessarily feel like partaking in more. so i made an egg and will hydrate excessively today, in preparation.

tomorrow we have a playdate coming our way, looking forward to that as well. it’s nice to have lots of plans. will also get a haircut to circumvent this bowl thing that has been happening lately.

and next week, Ride. needless to say, i am definitely looking forward to that.

i think the hormonal sadness has moved on. like a storm cloud. actually, so have the real clouds in the sky – today is sunny. i’m very affected by the weather. this morning i felt happy, and also very accomplished. i went for my full morning run, got little E ready, made a smoothie, ironed a new blouse and got myself ready, got E’s food ready. there’s so much to do within this little timeframe. i even opted for decaf, which is also an accomplishment.

yesterday was quite lovely actually. i think my Mom delighted in our company. the 3 of us went to the park and saw the biggest flag ever. little E showed off his new sliding skills to Lola, and then we strolled past the new house. on the way home (during our habitually pointless drive through LSP) he fell asleep and continue to sleep for 2 hours. Yippee! i made a quiche and salad, and we had surprise dinner guests, and then i got to watch the US Open finals. i was rooting for Federer. can’t believe i stayed up for it. so, i’m relieved that i went running despite the late-ish night.

on saturday i did some cleaning, and then went to the city to buy jeans. it was a nice outing. the cleaning felt great too, as marie konda would say, there’s a spiritual cleansing that comes with tidying.

the little man has been pretty challenging as of late. that is tiring, yes. i try to pay more attention to him and finish tasks instead of running off to do housework every few minutes. i’m hoping he feels good about that.

i feel so unaccomplished when i waste perfectly great evenings. when i have true alone time at night there are so many things i want to do.

write music
organize and clean
try on clothes
watch a movie
learn a useful skill
decide on furnishings for the house

and yet hours go by while i surf the web mindlessly. vegging. it’s meditation, it’s necessary for sanity, but i haven’t made any decisions about the other down time i’m going to have this weekend. and the clock is ticking. before i know it i’ll be back in the thick of obligations, work and stress.

is the night young at 11:30? what can i do to make use of this last half hour? it feels futile to try on clothes right now. i am too tired to organize and clean (but then again, why did i drink caffeine in the afternoon?) i am too sleepy to commit to a movie. read is perhaps the best thing. finish that snoozy scientific book i’m reading? or delve into something more fun? i like the idea of half hour tasks. i need even 5-minute tasks. i should commit to either 3 5-minute tasks on weeknights, or a movie, or reading. and on the weekends, i should commit to a half-hour task, or a movie, or reading.

researching new skills
purging belongings
practicing guitar
learning electronic music skills
reading news articles
researching recipes
reading health stuff
lifting weights
doing yoga

how about a log? that might make me feel more accomplished. i think i can commit to reading tonight.

positively grumpy

just when i’m preaching bliss and contentedness, i am hit with a sour mood. i attribute it to hormones, what else can i say. also a lack of social outlet. i’ve been corralling a wild toddler and it’s grating on me. his new school situation is a change, and somewhat stressful. i get stressed when i can’t keep order, like keeping up with the laundry due to a broken washing machine, things like that.

i went to Whynot Bistro for a taste of leisurely Paris. sometimes that’s all i need in the morning. it certainly helped, sipping a hot mocha out of a beautiful mug.

i do feel frazzled though.

i’ve been running semi-consistently for about 1.5 years now, post-baby, and i’ve lost an average of 7 lbs. i lost most of that weight by October of last year. so, i’ve been stuck around the same weight for almost a whole year. frustrating, to say the least. sure, there are many culprits here:
– mochas
– cashew milk ice cream

those are the two main conspirators. it’s frustrating though. i’ve been longing to lose another 7-10 lbs and that just ain’t happening. i don’t eat junk food, i drink a lot of water, i eat healthily. i don’t snack much. i run 1-2x/week.

i don’t up my workout, not quite. it’s a steady 20 minutes most of the time, sometimes less. i’m a bit motivated though to really work off the weight. i gained 3 lbs the past week. (ovulation? labor day weekend pigging out?) and i even ran longer than usual over the weekend, so go figure. muscle weight? sigh.

been trying to run a little more consistently. 2x/week, the full twenty, at a minimum. it always gets better after the first few minutes. music, changing the route – those also help. my legs are in pretty good shape, but i need to do more Core exercises. Core is where it’s all untoned.

tomorrow is the little guy’s first day of preschool. needless to say, i’m a bit anxious about how he’ll fare. a half day doesn’t seem so bad, true. but, will he eat anything? will he let his teachers change his diaper? my little man. i’ve been trying to talk to him about it, but i don’t know if he gets it yet. he did alright at the picnic.

tomorrow i will masquerade as a stay-at-home mom. see how it goes.

my music goals are pathetic. i would like to step it up. i admire J’s ambition. i require so much downtime that i sleep away my spare time.

the little guy is going through something. not sure what it is, but i consider these phases “growth spurts,” just like when he was a baby. he’s going through some developmental milestone and it’s causing some internal strife. he’s very unfocused, temperamental. i try to just not get too emotional about it, remain objective yet loving. but it’s hard, especially for a mama who is introverted and organized. embracing messes and confrontation requires energy.

i had my own meltdown the other night. i feel very odd about being excited about a house on my old street. like, literally on my old street. is that totally bizarre? it’s totally convenient is what it is. and i love that the little guy could have that much access to his grandparents. it’s on our high end but i don’t really mind this time. because the convenience factor is there.

this commute though, it will continue to drive me batty.

i rather cherish these tuesdays. i’ll miss them when they’re over, and that is soon. one day to decompress, catch up on house and life, cook some healthy foods, walk and reflect… they are so meditative.

a lot of things to think about, to consider. why are things so expensive here? you’d think i would see a little more return for my salary. not so much. the future seems bleak.

i ask myself this over and over: what is important to me? in the ideal world? health, wholesomeness, family, friends, good times, music, travel, thoughtfulness.

health, wholesomeness, family, friends, good times, music, travel, thoughtfulness.

those are good precepts to live by.

today it was tribeca. kaffe 1668 is a lovely old haunt, and i adore the vibe in there, it is hipster’d out but you’re in the club if you go there, so all is well. a mix of early business meetings, laptopia, affluent locals on their way to work, affluent other people who aren’t on their way to work (exercising or strolling with a baby). i wonder how many people pop in during the middle of their commute just to soak in the atmosphere? it’s a pleasure i partake in as often as i can during the work week. it works wonders.

i took greenwich all the way to just before the tunnel, and i doubt i’d ever been over there. the only exception i have in mind is going to the waterfront after some show in college. maybe it was at wetlands, maybe it was oasis or echobelly? i seem to remember B & K, and K had a sidekick i think. must have been fall of 1994 (ie 21 years ago). greenwich was a quiet buzz, really cute restaurants and cafes, i had to pop into one that was french and white and calling out to me. i bought a financier pistache.

there was a parade of commuters charging towards me as i made my way up to the canal station. they looked serious and sullen, monday morning faces.

i still made it here by 9:15 which is nice. one bonus was that my longer subway ride allowed me to sit and analyze on my ipad. i made some pros/cons lists and need to keep at it so i can make some concrete decisions about direction.