lately

listening to lots of bjork, sugarcubes, and david bowie. not a huge variety of david bowie, more like Space Oddity over and over. i find myself singing it throughout the day. reminiscing to bjork, i was a big fan at one time, still adore her music – mainly from her first 3 solo albums.

this weekend was a much-needed respite. we had separate rooms, which made it all the more relaxing. the nighttime entertainment was noisy and annoying, but i managed to get good nights’ sleep. a pedi, a facial, a museum, good food and some socializing was just what i needed. Baked was a great little find, our local spot. the streets of tribeca were quaint and welcoming.

looking forward to seeing my boys. i get a bit stressed about not being able to control the little guy as well as i’d like to. he can be a handful. a beautiful handful. i want to open him up to new experiences, but that seems very hard for him to handle.

and still, two whole days off along with most of today. very excited.

things i might not readily admit:

– i have a hard time with kale. it’s annoying. especially when raw. i feel absolutely in the minority for feeling this way.
– hipsters do a great job of making me feel good about myself because of this inner feeling that i am above them. that i knew about things before them. no one has visibility into this ego boost? i never talk about it. it seems pretty insecure and lame, but is it harming anyone?
– i would say the same thing goes for people who are newer to nyc.
– the same thing goes for people who do not or have never lived in nyc. (what a snoot i am)
– it pisses me off that my favorite mommy blog doesn’t always post new content until mid-afternoon. come on! somebody save me from the mundane workday!
– i hate that people tout healthy eating habits that seem to be bad for me. i’m either allergic or wind up with low energy/low blood pressure. give me my carbs!

what a fun way to start a new year. a rollercoaster is in the works. i’m getting re-acquainted with my body. it’s a weird feeling.

i’m experiencing fear, trepidation, despair.

i seem to have long-term vision, i don’t know where it comes from. i need to figure out a new plan. sometimes i wish i could just laze around the west village, pick up organic meats, make a beautiful dinner and have my family and friends over to enjoy it. i need to teach the little man patience, behavior, variety, helpfulness. he’s going to have to help me this year. i don’t quite know how to teach him those things. that seems unsurmountable.

but the current pace is unscalable. if i am frustrated enough by this easy rigmarole, i have only challenges in store. just imagining waiting in a bus line with a big load is something i can’t bear.

one heartbreak after another, this search for the next thing. a great discussion on friday that leads to an abrupt, unfortunate apology. it’s disheartening, yes. i’ve half-heartedly tried different strategies. my situation isn’t unbearable, but it is painful at times.

i’m enjoying the current book. it feels very sales-y and that part i don’t appreciate. but, i’m learning some important tips and need this re-alignment on a constant basis.

calgon, take me away.

I need to write everyday. Will assign topics.

Relativity of time. Knowing I will get to things later. Not having enough of a sense of urgency.
The grind. New York now vs. New York before vs. Portland.
Travel. Where I’d love to visit.
Things I’d like to cook.
Being an introverted mom and things I sometimes wish I had time to do.
The guilt of a mother.
Not listening to new music very much.
Holding on to old NY.

transportation tuesdays

my commute was miraculously easy this morning, despite the preschool dropoff. minimal traffic, easy transition into school, not-too-crowded trains. it was almost pleasant. going home, i have come to grips with the fact that 6:20 is my goal. if i can get home by 6:20, all is well. i feel less pressure in the new home for some reason, because i can cook my own dinner while the little man is eating his.

what are my blockers? i tout my skillz at being organized and project managerial. however, i procrastinate, i don’t make sweeping changes, i don’t take initiative all the time. what am i good at? during today’s commute i thought it might be a good idea to try out different trades and just see what i might be good at. maybe i’ve been looking at my career in the wrong way.

i like working independently. i like brainsharing, not brainstorming. i like being given a frame to work within, and being given free reign to parse things out. what i don’t like is being given the spotlight, being asked to ideate on the spot, having to come up with solutions on the fly. i am uncomfortable with the unknown and prefer to survey the whole picture before digging in. i prefer scheduling out time.

i like organizing things that are messy. but i get lax and like to let things get messy so i can allegedly clean them up later. i like taking measurements and making lists. i like busy work. i like relaxing and dreaming and enjoying life. i like cooking, cleaning, music, writing, reading, learning, exercising. i like helping people. i don’t like working with people who are not listening.

is it the industry i am in? i had a lot of fun working for a music company, because we all had this very special common bond. a very personal tie, even though we were very different people. would i be happier around music lovers? would i be happier in a fashion setting? in an indie setting? in a different neighborhood? around artists, or bankers? or retailers? capitalists, or grassroots non-profit bohemians? educators? administrators? healthcare professionals? customer service representatives? human resources?

human resources sounds a bit appealing. i want to help people, though i’m not a therapist. i want to promote wellness and balance.

i try to take commuting with a grain of salt. it’s not the end of the world if it takes me 80 minutes vs. 60. i was still able to make a salmon dinner and it wasn’t freezing cold out. i still spent time with my little guy. i still got a few things done last night. it’s that blue side of me that gets so upset if i am off by 10, 15 minutes. if i cross the hour mark.

am i spending enough time with the little guy? i don’t want to be this aloof mom who is just cleaning the house while he’d like me to play.

today i pulled myself out of bed to weigh myself on the wii, do some stretches and sun salutations. dare i say i noticed a difference this morning? i was alert and energized during my journey to work. it’s a good sign when i don’t mind standing during the train ride. i also made my own mocha, which was a treat. i feel accomplished and organized this morning.

transportation tuesdays

so today’s commute, door-to-door this morning, was 120 minutes. i can shave off a good 20 though, between a Starbucks stop and preschool drop off. so let’s say 100 minutes. one hundred minutes to get here.

it was our first preschool dropoff from the new house. it took us half an hour to get there due to traffic everywhere. maybe we’ll try the other way next time. i spent a few minutes at preschool, until the little man finished his squares project (“when I finish, mommy!”) and then the trek to the train, which is no small feat. that’s like 10 minutes right there, at least. and encountering a crowd upon descending. i knew immediately that something was amiss. it was also eerily quiet, despite the hundreds of people standing there, waiting. no news on the PA. i decided to jump on the next train, which went one stop and turned around, and got crowded, so i lucked out with a seat, and then it was cattles self-herding through a tiny gate to get to the next subway. it took forever. i got to work later than i’d informed them.

advantages? i can close my eyes. sometimes i pull out the ipad and start reading, but it lulls me, and i read the same paragraphs at least 5x before succumbing to the inevitable power nap.

moving to a new home is inspiring. it’s a welcome change and i like how comfortable it feels. sure, there are some things we need to get used to, and it’s farther from the city, and we’re not completely settled yet. but we’re functional.

my commute wasn’t too bad. i’m grateful for the ride to the train. i still walked through the west village with a grande mocha. it’s quite lovely to go from one scenic location to another, before getting to midtown.

i study fashion on the train. i rather love that aspect of my commute. it’s like leafing through a magazine.