hard to believe it’s just under two weeks to go now. mixed feelings. it’s going to be nutty times, sleeplessness, an unpredictable baby, i’ll be recovering from surgery, the little bossman will be adjusting… it’s going to be chaotic.

however. this body and belly. i feel proud of my two morning walks. tiresome and difficult as they were. it’s a nice way to start the day, and it’s good to get the blood flowing. i’m 154 lbs. that’s about how much i weighed when the little guy was born. i really can’t wait to work off the baby weight. to have these morning walks, except with the baby in a sling. things are hard, but i’m not feeling the self-pity anymore. i don’t mind asking for help and i also don’t mind pushing myself a little as long as it’s safe. i try to do dishes and laundry, tidy up as much as possible, with breaks. i’m not doing yoga or stretches which i would like to incorporate.

i don’t know how healthy my diet has been. i’m a little lazy about cooking now. i snack quite a bit. i eat ice cream, cake, i don’t skimp on sweets. but i’m also too lazy to peel an orange. i have blueberries in the morning. maybe tomorrow i will go to the store to get ice cream and juice.

the surgery aspect of things is starting to feel a little daunting. i’ve been through it before. just need to stay positive, and look towards meeting my little girl.

we’re seasoned parents now, and this leave will be warmer than our last. so what are some things i want to do with the newborn this time around?
– many walks in the park, sooner
– walking around the house with the sling to be hands free
– using the bouncy chair while cooking and doing other house stuff
– more outings. to NY? to other parks? to see friends?
– lunch outings! for drinks! with bebe!

reflection

here at this beautiful hotel, i am treating myself to my very own retreat, a baby moon of sorts, a chance to replenish and renew before the second chapter of motherhood bursts in. i’m experiencing again that sense of impatience. the third trimester isn’t fun, it’s burdensome, and you wind up wanting to get it over with. but, you know that when it is over you will be sleepless and topsy turvy, and you may not be settled for a good two years. so. enjoy the third trimester, with all its aches, pains, cramps, and discomfort.

unwieldy is the best word for it now. i feel so unwieldy. just kind of ridiculous. i dread the ligament stretch that i feel when changing sides in bed. why dread it though, right? just deal. i don’t know why. it just feels weird and unnatural, even though it’s been gradually happening to me for nearly 8 months now. this size and scale just feels huge and bizarre. walking feels weird at first, but i get used to it, i have the strength but the weight of my belly just feels kind of weird and almost wrong. i feel better when i remain active. i feel good after getting the blood flowing. it’s all inertia; the more i sit and lounge, the harder it is to move.

i feel fairly accomplished about the week. a productive weekend getting certified, meeting babies and seeing friends this week. getting little bits of housework done, i can’t really blame myself for not getting more done. i try. tomorrow i get a massage. i’m truly excited to see my boys on monday but also a bit sad that my meditation is nearly over. i fear that i won’t have a moment to myself for years to come. being an introvert, that solitude is something i cherish so much, and balancing it with the joy of familyhood and motherhood is tricky. because i want those things too. and it’s harder than it seems. my son is not an easily moldable protegee but a strong-willed, opinionated young man at the ripe old age of 3. for that i am grateful. but, it is hard.

at the same time i often feel utterly unaccomplished. the baby room is a sea of boxes. all i do is the busywork of putting recyclables in the bin, washing the same laundry over and over again. i want to see real change. i want to make something big and noticeable. i want to write music and write online and cook beautiful meals and be some genius mentor of a mom.

i can’t wait to exercise after i recover. i want to run a 5k.

i have to say, i’m really glad i chose scrum over product owner certification. i couldn’t give a rat’s ass about product requirements. i’m really all about facilitating, translating, ensuring communication is happening. it was a happy revelation to know that this is the right direction.

there are too many things to do, to know. and not enough time. that’s why i have a hard time committing myself to a movie. what if this movie sucks? and i just wasted a saturday night, and 2 hours, watching it. i find myself succumbing more often during long weekends, because of that additional time. tonight i watched Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, which was OK. it’s based on a true story, so i feel that validates it somehow. it didn’t get good ratings though.

what are these things that i want to be doing?
– reading books
– learning about everything. news, science, history, fashion, fitness, health, decorating, anything and everything.
– selecting home items to buy

i want to solve home solutions.

i also want to cook more, learn how to bake cakes. i really have this urge to bake cakes.

i want to get fit. strengthen my ankles. today i ate horribly. i need to stay active. i want to have enough energy to be a good mom and keep up with my son.

i get so into new cafes. bwe kafe and chalait are two faves at the mo’. matcha hot chocolate was such a wonderful new drink for this year. iced matcha lattes aren’t so bad either.

is it the pregnancy that makes me really want to nest? what are the things we need:
– new shower curtain
– new bath rugs?
– rug for bedroom
– new pillows for living room

i long for community and friendship. it was nice to have my family over to bbq last night.

need to have a preschool reunion, and some new neighbors over too.

who are these people? these humans whose lives you cross. a good memory leaves you lonelier, loneliest, cherishing moments fleeting to most, vivid for you, insignificant as they may be in the aeons of eternity.

exacerbated only by the internet, by social media. the ability to look up friends of friends, friends of colleagues and acquaintances who didn’t matter much in your daily life. but who you remember details about. and whose mere existence triggers waves of years, coloring in vague pictures and enlivening them for no good reason. but those memories, they somehow mean something, even if they mean nothing.

and keeping tabs. and learning about people you’ll never interact with, never need to meet. maybe people who influenced a piece of your past, or the past of a loved one. the jealousy that can arise from fabricated ideas. she looks so cool, who wouldn’t want to be her.

and then there are the bigger people from your past, who molded whole chunks of your soul, and perhaps you don’t have need for that influence anymore. but their presence it will echo in the everyday. estranged friends who you may never converse with again. but who remain with you, and you know, they are thinking about you when hearing this song, or being in this place. there’s something poetic about it, something romantic, about old friends, but maybe i’m the only one who feels that way. i care about the past. it’s the memories, they’re not just plain memories, they are an active hobby, a pastime, a vital part of my character, shaping my thoughts and actions, my likes, my decisions.

7 months in

this pregnancy has had many different phases. in the beginning i was moody and sleepy. as i got bigger, i grew apprehensive and also worried about the placenta previa. once the previa is gone, i felt a rebirth of energy, became motivated to walk more and get active. but the eating is tricky; sometimes i feel overbloated and other times i feel weak and sluggish.

another thing that has happened from time to time is a bout of depression. like today, i don’t know why, i just feel depressed. is it the stress of next week? the little guy starting summer camp with lackluster potty training skills. his temper tantrums leaving the house. i have to get him to camp and back all by myself. the resentment. is it the stress of work? babysitting people whose professionalism could use a boost. who feel entitled. is it the stress of the future? not knowing what it’s going to be like with baby and bossy 3-year-old.

at times i also get bursts of happiness. wanting to decorate our house, looking forward to getting in shape after the baby, and wearing beautiful clothes. looking forward to when the kids are a little easier to balance and can play together. the little man’s temper, it’s really hard to deal with. it doesn’t jibe with my need for order. and the guilt. the guilt of pawning him on my parents on workdays.

i am looking forward to seeing friends, and just relaxing over food and coffee.

we went to the Cure last night and it was super fun. fun to see an old friend, exchange stories of motherhood, reminisce about days of shoegaze past, stay in a hotel, enjoy leisurely walks on a spring summer night, see a favorite band, gawk at cure fans, dance to old hits. a bonus was the great timing – catching the end of the NBA Finals Game 7 amidst of a bunch of guys in the concession area. i’m tired, but it was very fun. and then this morning we had coffee and treats at a very cute place.

a summer bucket list sounds like a good idea. i suppose much of this will be handled during the boys’ trip to CA. what do i want to do?

– beach trip with friends
– visit C & J
– visit A & J
– roberta’s pizza/bushwick
– see a movie
– get a massage
– maybe a museum.
– maybe the conservatory garden.
– bbq with friends

i’ve been “stepping up my walking game” and it feels good. i definitely have more energy. i have to learn not to shy away from the strain. it’s hard, simple things like walking briskly. but with a little practice it gets easier. thing is – while it gets easier, the difficulty level continues to increase! so we’ll see how long i can keep this up. but i feel really proud to have gotten in good amounts of walking for the past 4 days. on sunday i did a short walk in the park before breakfast; on monday, i did my west village walk; on tuesday, i walked from the PATH to work, and today i did a lap around the park. that lap wasn’t easy at the end, but all in all it was really good and i especially enjoy the meditation in nature. the weather in the morning has been so lovely.

looking forward to the Cure on sunday! and a nice girls’ night out with Alyssa, complete with hotel and izakaya!!!! omg. really looking forward to this. the weekend is shaping up to be nice too, with the kids’ party on saturday.

the summer weather makes me happy, and i want to spend quality time with my family. excited for my sister & nephew’s visit. we need to sort out a date night or something so the babysitter and ethan can get acclimated. need to figure out summer camp. i am going to miss the little guy’s preschool. what a truly beautiful place.