changes are afoot and that’s very exciting. changes in my family’s lives. some of it i am anxious about, but i am trying to spin it and be more of an optimist instead of a reactionary. i want to make the most of it. it’s good stuff, ultimately, not bad.

we are buying a house and i feel nervous about the decision. it’s not near any preschools or grade schools that we like. it doesn’t have a driveway. it’s at the bottom of a hill. i can’t walk to the train. it’s not near a grocery store. not to mention, it’s not near the bustling community we have in our current locale.

are those game changers? well, they will require us to make adjustments. and that is OK. i need to learn how to better take control of my situation rather than languishing in despair. i can get a bike that has a child seat, and maybe bike to other parts of the hood when the little man gets older. maybe the walk won’t be so bad. a weekend excursion to the coffee shop, to yoga. i’ll need to do more food planning and meal prep on the weekends.

i just hope the little guy likes it. and i hope the big guy does too. i just want us to nurture the little life we’re all carving out together.

memory

last night in my cab ride through soho i realized what it is, the kinetic energy i feel towards new york. i’m a nostalgic person, and the city is mostly just a bunch of memories for me.

i feel this ache, especially in the summertime in the city, this longing for something, something i miss so much. but it’s not like something is missing in my life – i’m simply sentimental and i miss that 20-something version of me, tromping around the city with friend after friend, clique after clique, seeing friends’ bands play and stealing away in the night air, heading home wherever that may have been: nyc, greenpoint, cobble hill. i miss the uncertainty of the night, the electric potential and the joy of colliding with my good friends, finding a loft party and dancing carelessly, and those unforeseeable evenings that end with the sunrise. i miss that life. i don’t quite have the energy for it now, but it was a special time, sometimes sad but always reflective.

the city is so different now, it’s not even the city i fell in love with. and yet, i drink it in, thinking it’s still there, but really it’s the memory of it all that still gets me.

zen dust

we are looking forward to a short work week and another vacation. our favorite Rincon cafe has relocated to our precise destination: Oceanside, California! i am so excited to return for their great food and smoothies. and to introduce the place to the little guy.

through happenstance i came across a book written by Jan Chozen Bays, whose zen meditations i attended a few times in Portland. i’m admittedly nostalgic about my Portland years. i wish i could feel as kindred with a new place. we could bring little E there, but then he would be separated from his grandparents, and that would make me sad. in any case, i began reading the book and found it was more of a workbook – there are weekly activities that you can do to fine tune your mindfulness. hopefully that will be productive! i haven’t gotten into the groove yet but even just reading about mindfulness has gotten me to look for the present more often. yesterday, at the beach, i meditated a little bit on the present. listening to the ocean, feeling the sun.

i am often called “zen” by other people for my calm composure – however, i have much work to do on mindfulness. i would say i am more of an escapist than a master of mindfulness. i think about the past and the future, i am constantly fantasizing about better things and comparing myself to others. i cannot say that i am fully immersed in the beauty of the now. even as i am on my morning walk, i can’t say i am always aware of my surroundings. i catch scents of summer air and beautiful buildings, but am daydreaming, always. i want to teach the little guy about mindfulness, however i can.

greenwich

today i chose to walk on greenwich, which i never do. it’s sort of like the back alley. for a stretch there are barely any restaurants or bars – i felt as though the buildings were encroaching on me. the sidewalks narrowed. it lacked the liveliness that i yearn for in the morning, yet on this particular morning, perhaps i solaced in the solitude. its quietness transported me to another city.

occasionally i would see folks walking dogs, parents hailing taxis with their preschoolers. i always wonder, who are you? how much money do you have? especially the folks who aren’t dressed for work. what do you do? do you freelance from home, or do you simply live a life of leisure?

i feel quite fortunate to have these city streets to walk on. they enrich me just by their very being. old bricks and cobblestones, internationally known intersections that are peaceful at 9am. i’m just a passerby but i so appreciate my passing by. does anyone else? do they take it for granted, or do they not even realize they are in the presence of beauty?

top that off with a great soundtrack. today i thoroughly enjoyed my ipod. sometimes i wonder, all of you, any of you wearing headphones or earbuds, can any of you possibly be as happy as i am, listening to what i’m listening to? “lip” by his name is alive slays me every time.

tanlines

i love tanlines. intrigued right now. trying to catch up on their catalog, which itself is rather diverse. what drew me in was “slipping away,” which reminds me of early 90s. something i might have found on 120 Minutes and obsessed over. sure it’s got the usual ingredients – wistfulness, jangly guitar, catchy beat. the vocals make it a bit unique. loving it.

i’m on a subconscious quest to figure out why i sometimes feel so happy despite a tough day at work. i feel fortunate for:

– simple pleasures, like food and beautiful sights
– my family
– the fortune of a nice home in a nice neighborhood
– the communal feeling of our neighborhood
– fun routines online, the usual perusals each day
– listening to music that i love
– feeling comfortable financially
– sleep and exercise
– my morning walk

i would love some other things as well, like more time with my son, a house, an easier time parking. use of the backyard. more time for movies and reading. a chance to see friends more often. a writing presence. a musical project.

however, that doesn’t seem to trouble me too much. i’m so grateful.

joyful mornings and de-clutter

i am elated each morning, i look so forward to my walk before work. it sets a great tone for the day. i don’t arrive to work miserable. on the contrary, i’m often inspired. i allow myself this time to reflect, see beautiful sights, get some exercise, enjoy a coffee beverage, listen to music. it’s really a great form of meditation for me.

the konmari method has served me well. i didn’t do it by the book and have miles to go, but it is having an impact on me and my house. even the husband has started to tidy up and purge. we don’t keep junk mail around. things are generally trimmer and cleaner. it’s quite nice.

sartorialism

sure, i read the sartorialist. i’m not a fashionista by any means, but i am a bit of a fashion voyeur. i like observing style, i like reading about high fashion. i like being around fashion. i work in new york city, so that fulfills most of my fashion needs. when i lived in portland, i subscribed to vogue because i needed more fashion stimuli. the fleece, and the hippie wear, and the windbreakers sometimes grossed me out. don’t i sound lovely? i’m just being honest. don’t worry, i’ve never told anyone their clothes grossed me out.

even folks in nyc who wear bargain clothes look fairly on trend. i find myself critiquing outfits during my morning commute. some folks really have refined edge, and it’s refreshing.

i’m barely put together, but i definitely have a style of my own. it’s made up of bargain/second hand clothes as well as uniqlo/gap/banana/h&m finds. loft now too. that’s about all i can afford. thanks to the konmari method, i really don’t shop as much as i used to.

but what i meant to say before i got all narcissistic was that i like the wistfulness of the sartorialist. there’s a dreamlike quality about it, sometimes melancholy. and i love how you get transported from italy to india to gansevoort within a matter of seconds.

wonderful rooftop gathering last night, i absolutely love u’s living space. she’s such a strong, independent woman who makes the most of the city. i find it refreshing to be around someone as grounded as she is.

also a rare evening for me to be out. the hot harlem air was decadent, i was absolutely delighted to be in a different neighborhood, socializing with views of 2 parks, of the cathedral, and countless world-famous skyscrapers.

summer in nyc was so fun in my 20s, galavanting around brooklyn with my peeps, attending outdoor concerts and drinking wine in the humidity. i still get glimpses of some of that now, albeit in backyards with toddlers in tow. and while it was fun to partake last night, ultimately i missed the little bossman so much, couldn’t wait to give him a big hug in the morning.

definitive

last night i got the definitive no from the long-term prospects. the hubs was right, they seemed a little scattered about their hiring process, which comes off as unprofessional. it didn’t feel like the right fit at the start. i was persuaded after the second meeting which ended in compliments and tentative start dates. that’s OK. who knows what the future holds.

i still pray, occasionally. i hold conference with my spiritual deity all the time throughout my days, but rarely sit down for a true prayer session. only when it comes to these times. i may visit the nearby church for some real soul searching and therapy.

some atheists seem judgmental about this stuff, but truly, it keeps me grounded.