i try to take commuting with a grain of salt. it’s not the end of the world if it takes me 80 minutes vs. 60. i was still able to make a salmon dinner and it wasn’t freezing cold out. i still spent time with my little guy. i still got a few things done last night. it’s that blue side of me that gets so upset if i am off by 10, 15 minutes. if i cross the hour mark.

am i spending enough time with the little guy? i don’t want to be this aloof mom who is just cleaning the house while he’d like me to play.

today i pulled myself out of bed to weigh myself on the wii, do some stretches and sun salutations. dare i say i noticed a difference this morning? i was alert and energized during my journey to work. it’s a good sign when i don’t mind standing during the train ride. i also made my own mocha, which was a treat. i feel accomplished and organized this morning.

transportation tuesdays

so today’s commute, door-to-door this morning, was 120 minutes. i can shave off a good 20 though, between a Starbucks stop and preschool drop off. so let’s say 100 minutes. one hundred minutes to get here.

it was our first preschool dropoff from the new house. it took us half an hour to get there due to traffic everywhere. maybe we’ll try the other way next time. i spent a few minutes at preschool, until the little man finished his squares project (“when I finish, mommy!”) and then the trek to the train, which is no small feat. that’s like 10 minutes right there, at least. and encountering a crowd upon descending. i knew immediately that something was amiss. it was also eerily quiet, despite the hundreds of people standing there, waiting. no news on the PA. i decided to jump on the next train, which went one stop and turned around, and got crowded, so i lucked out with a seat, and then it was cattles self-herding through a tiny gate to get to the next subway. it took forever. i got to work later than i’d informed them.

advantages? i can close my eyes. sometimes i pull out the ipad and start reading, but it lulls me, and i read the same paragraphs at least 5x before succumbing to the inevitable power nap.

moving to a new home is inspiring. it’s a welcome change and i like how comfortable it feels. sure, there are some things we need to get used to, and it’s farther from the city, and we’re not completely settled yet. but we’re functional.

my commute wasn’t too bad. i’m grateful for the ride to the train. i still walked through the west village with a grande mocha. it’s quite lovely to go from one scenic location to another, before getting to midtown.

i study fashion on the train. i rather love that aspect of my commute. it’s like leafing through a magazine.

currently reading liz gilbert’s “Big Magic” and it’s good. it’s very Mondo Beyondo. i really like the idea of ideas being these beings that are out there and need to be caught by people. kind of like good viruses. i had a similar thought about feelings. that’s what i wrote “these expanses” about. that train rides are so meditative and inspiring, because you’re riding through paths where millions of feelings have passed, where minds have relaxed into meditations and all those feelings have been left.

i’m searching for my next thing. not sure what it will be.

i thought it would be an interesting exercise to log guilt. the guilt diaries. because each night as i unwind, i am wrought with guilt over unaccomplishment. meanwhile some omniscient part of my being knows this guilt is not something to focus on, that it is a natural reaction but that i need to look beyond it and just love myself regardless. forgive. because there is nothing to forgive.

tonight, i feel guilty for:
– not doing yoga or exercises
– not reading
– not doing any packing or purging
– not learning any skills or signing up for online classes
– not making headway with my researches
– not spending time with the hubs

if i were to ask myself what i accomplished tonight? hmm
– cooking some healthy food and finishing leftovers
– tidying the kitchen
– cleaning up after dinner, taking out the garbage
– depositing a cheque
– doing my new hygiene routine
– drinking water

ok, equal parts guilt and accomplishment. do i break even?

i can’t remember the last time i went on a girls’ night out. it was local and long, and we are all moms with toddlers, so there was plenty of camaraderie. and we were celebrating one of our own. lovely company. good food and drinks. i was really looking forward to the evening and even though i’m getting over a cold and could barely taste anything, i indulged nonetheless.

feeling happy about stuff. the new house. the little man’s new ‘do. gotta keep this positivity. gotta return to a wellness regimen now that i am feeling better. i haven’t been exercising or cooking. just been getting by.

this week, my goal is to practice better hygiene. wash face and brush teeth every night. drink plenty of water. we’ll see what that does to my mood.

those pauses in the day

those moments, those fleeting pauses during the day, i solace in them like they are aeons. i felt that today as my 1 train waited in the 14th street station, not long enough to be called a delay, but thank you, this comfortable corner seat where i can close my eyes before being delivered to the metropolitan spider web of midtown, before i need to be a responsible professional. let me slouch and doze and dream about little moments from my life.

we get these moments all the time. a walk to the next conference room. the line at the lunch eatery. the elevator ride.

there are flavors of beauty, of melancholy, seeping out of these pauses. so i drink it in. like a 5-minute movie, give me a cinematographic breeze to remedy the mundane majority of the day.

admittedly, my heart is heavy. on days that the little man goes to preschool, i have this worry i carry around with me, hoping he is OK. hoping he is comfortable. hoping he is enjoying his time with his teachers, friends, and activities. he is an extension of me. he breaks my heart even as he is smiling and laughing and rolling around with joy.

his dad and i were both shy kids, so this is to be expected. he isn’t shy at home, so i am hoping that he may eventually feel ready to break out of his shell.

i just want us to be happy together. i am excited about the new house, the prospect of being a family in a comfortable new space.

wanting to make music but uninspired by sounds. i pulled out the old headphones and played keyboards for a little while. it was nice. the acoustic guitar just wasn’t cutting it. i’ve come to this conclusion time and again: dreamy soundscapes will tease the music out of me.

looking forward

another blissful walk accompanied by music. i think i fare best when the temperature is in the 70s, slight breeze, high sun. i invested in some new jeans from jcrew and they feel great.

last night we enjoyed dinner with the neighbors. we never do; have never done in 3 years. it was about time. the little man was a little antsy because he ate so quickly, but i gave him my work phone and he went to town. the neighbors make a cute couple. they seem very happy together and just seem like such nice people.

tonight i am doing girly drinks on U’s rooftop. looking forward to it, although the two glasses of prosecco did me in and i don’t necessarily feel like partaking in more. so i made an egg and will hydrate excessively today, in preparation.

tomorrow we have a playdate coming our way, looking forward to that as well. it’s nice to have lots of plans. will also get a haircut to circumvent this bowl thing that has been happening lately.

and next week, Ride. needless to say, i am definitely looking forward to that.