been trying to run a little more consistently. 2x/week, the full twenty, at a minimum. it always gets better after the first few minutes. music, changing the route – those also help. my legs are in pretty good shape, but i need to do more Core exercises. Core is where it’s all untoned.

tomorrow is the little guy’s first day of preschool. needless to say, i’m a bit anxious about how he’ll fare. a half day doesn’t seem so bad, true. but, will he eat anything? will he let his teachers change his diaper? my little man. i’ve been trying to talk to him about it, but i don’t know if he gets it yet. he did alright at the picnic.

tomorrow i will masquerade as a stay-at-home mom. see how it goes.

my music goals are pathetic. i would like to step it up. i admire J’s ambition. i require so much downtime that i sleep away my spare time.

the little guy is going through something. not sure what it is, but i consider these phases “growth spurts,” just like when he was a baby. he’s going through some developmental milestone and it’s causing some internal strife. he’s very unfocused, temperamental. i try to just not get too emotional about it, remain objective yet loving. but it’s hard, especially for a mama who is introverted and organized. embracing messes and confrontation requires energy.

i had my own meltdown the other night. i feel very odd about being excited about a house on my old street. like, literally on my old street. is that totally bizarre? it’s totally convenient is what it is. and i love that the little guy could have that much access to his grandparents. it’s on our high end but i don’t really mind this time. because the convenience factor is there.

this commute though, it will continue to drive me batty.

i rather cherish these tuesdays. i’ll miss them when they’re over, and that is soon. one day to decompress, catch up on house and life, cook some healthy foods, walk and reflect… they are so meditative.

a lot of things to think about, to consider. why are things so expensive here? you’d think i would see a little more return for my salary. not so much. the future seems bleak.

i ask myself this over and over: what is important to me? in the ideal world? health, wholesomeness, family, friends, good times, music, travel, thoughtfulness.

health, wholesomeness, family, friends, good times, music, travel, thoughtfulness.

those are good precepts to live by.

today it was tribeca. kaffe 1668 is a lovely old haunt, and i adore the vibe in there, it is hipster’d out but you’re in the club if you go there, so all is well. a mix of early business meetings, laptopia, affluent locals on their way to work, affluent other people who aren’t on their way to work (exercising or strolling with a baby). i wonder how many people pop in during the middle of their commute just to soak in the atmosphere? it’s a pleasure i partake in as often as i can during the work week. it works wonders.

i took greenwich all the way to just before the tunnel, and i doubt i’d ever been over there. the only exception i have in mind is going to the waterfront after some show in college. maybe it was at wetlands, maybe it was oasis or echobelly? i seem to remember B & K, and K had a sidekick i think. must have been fall of 1994 (ie 21 years ago). greenwich was a quiet buzz, really cute restaurants and cafes, i had to pop into one that was french and white and calling out to me. i bought a financier pistache.

there was a parade of commuters charging towards me as i made my way up to the canal station. they looked serious and sullen, monday morning faces.

i still made it here by 9:15 which is nice. one bonus was that my longer subway ride allowed me to sit and analyze on my ipad. i made some pros/cons lists and need to keep at it so i can make some concrete decisions about direction.

absolutely exquisite, i stopped by Whynot Bistro this morning for my iced mocha, and was transported to Paris. time felt slower, relaxed. there were more than a handful of people sitting in and out of the cafe. i sat outside, next to the open-air windows, facing Gay Street, which is windy and quaint. i often wonder, who are these people?

one man drove up in his little fiat and parked on the corner. he brought his dog out, grabbed a coffee drink, and took the dog for a walk. who does that? where does he live that he would drive his little fiat for this morning excursion? how did he know he’d find parking?

i’m not much of a dog person only because i’m inexperienced with pets of all kinds. so i feel rather awkward when adorable dogs come up to me. do i come off as standoffish? and yet, as i left Whynot i passed a puppy place where there were little cages of i assume homeless (or hotel’d) pups. as soon as they saw me some of them desperately pawed at the glass “come get me!”

the weather and the west village surroundings are a perfect match. you just glide through the streets when it’s 75 degrees and breezy. on a friday. just delicious.

slowly crossing off things off the list. today i washed the duvet cover. last night i bought my dad’s computer and removed my nail polish.

other things to do:
– send thank you note and wallet photo to Audrey
– send wallet photos to Gary & Jo
– buy A’s present
– sort out preschool items

today i went running for the full 20. it felt good. as long as i change my routes, i can run for longer. i could probably go for longer, if only i’d get out of the house sooner! the running feels so good. i got to the city around 8:20 and enjoyed a stroll through the west village. mocha and then the walk through abingdon square park, and then a feta spinach tambale at Bonsignour which was delectable! just gobs of spinach that tasted so good. i like the idea of spinach early in the morning.

yesterday i had a serene sitting session in Washington Square Park. the park just felt so peaceful and almost surreal, i could see someone blowing huge bubbles by the fountain. black-eyed susans make me happy. sitting in parks is so underrated.

lately i’ve been feeling stuck, stagnant. i get so exhausted and waste my evening hours. i get so wound up by routines. J is better at straying from routines, and that is not altogether intentional, but it is a good balance to me.

i read about wonderful adventures and am constantly reminding myself that there is more out there. why do i feel so bound by the formulas that confine so many people? there is safety in it. a stable income. the certainty of healthcare. the illusion that you’ve got it all covered.

but where is the meaning in it all? i struggle with that. i’m not really pursuing anything creative right now, apart from occasional casual blog posts. i get by on a minimum of reading, exercising and socializing. i crave solitude and sleep. i’m not doing many new things. i would like to be helping others and learning new and exciting things. sharing wonderful things with my family.

the sad social media world makes us reflect on our own lives and feel inferior to others. perhaps that’s what’s going on, like when i see J and S swimming in the Mediterranean sea, or record shopping in the likes of tel aviv. J seems to have spent most of the summer abroad, wearing wellies in beautiful scandinavia.

what can i do, really, to make a difference? i want to come up with some very out there ideas to help me really break out of the mold. even now, i had to leave the house because i was in the vortex of housework and reality tv.

OK, here are some very out there ideas:
– start a band with JC Moms
– start a mama’s afternoon
– start a family food night
– make a list of movies and do movie night with the hubs at home
– watch at least 3 movies a month. movies tend to inspire me.
– do yard work at my parents’ house.
– write one song a month

i need incentives, true. and i need some deadlines. like, wash duvet cover by x date or else… blah blah blah.

my ideas do revolve around socializing and touch on music. i have such a hard time narrowing things down.

meanwhile i also feel the need to job hunt, and yet part of me feels so… deflated about that all. music and socializing.

current blockers. there are a few things i’m having trouble accomplishing –
– buying my dad’s computer
– backing up my photo files
– maintaining the co-sleeper area

not to mention i’d like to write music again, someday.

i want to make use of my evening hours, but normally i just dive right into bed to surf the web mindlessly. i call it meditation.

i need some sort of reward system. incentive. i need some deadlines.

today i sat in washington square park. it was rather serene. again, looking at the city through nostalgic eyes and trying to envision what the park looked like 20 years ago. much less clean. there used to be men walking around saying “smoke smoke smoke?” and “mushrooms?” maybe they are still around, i don’t know. there are some rolling hills and new playgrounds. different aisles and benches.

i feel quite energized by my morning run, i am happy to find. lately i’ve been a bit lethargic in the mornings. my body feels worn and i just assume a run will be pathetic. but, i switched up my route and managed to do a full 20 minutes, which by my accounts is actually good. why can’t i push myself? an average non-competitive runner can probably do 3 miles. i can barely do 1.5. i need a trainer, or a training partner.

and strength exercises. i was chagrined to find that i gained a few pounds. what could it be from? the cashew milk ice cream? the whole milk ice mochas? regardless i skipped my afternoon & evening treats last night. and today i will do a green juice.

i’m excited about my family’s visit. i get more excited because of the little guy. there’s a new element of joy in our reunions that wasn’t there before, thanks to the little guy.

i still worry about our move. do we really need that much space? i understand the need for a home office, but when you consider how little time we spend together at home 5 days a week (a rush hour in the morning, a rush hour in the evening) is it really worth it? when things are far and inconvenient? when the neighborhood itself isn’t as warm and inviting? when our newer friends are now miles away? and there are no buses that go directly downtown?

i’ve been so half glass empty about this. true, i want the little man to grow up in a bigger space where he can roam and explore. but right now all he wants is ham park, and we’ve got it.

will i even have time to cook? with preschool to consider now, mornings will be even more hectic. less sleep for everyone? i have no clue. how will i exercise? i just don’t know.

take control. throw off your mental chains. stop reacting and start enacting.